Halloween Challenge

Note the ticker to the right…the new one.  Self explanatory, no?

The Story

I promised you a story, so here it is.

Okay so the other day I decided to go swimming at the Y.  I haven’t been swimming in ages, so I figured I better get my tush in gear and go.  So I gathered up my motivation, my stuff (having to make several trips back upstairs for suit, towel, etc) and off I went! 

There was a surprise waiting for me at the Y, though.  When I checked in at the front desk, I found a little notice on the counter informing me that there was a problem with the pool water heater and, alas, the temperature was cooler than normal.  I not wanting to look like a fool, I continued on past the desk, but my mind was spinning.  This really threw me for a loop.  I wanted to flee.  I tried, okay?  Emilio, are you listening?  I tried.  I came, but the damn pool was busted.  Not my fault.  I briefly considered using a cardio machine instead, but I really wasn’t dressed for it.  I stopped in the hallway and thought for a minute.   The desire to just bug out was so strong….but I made a deal with the therapist and I know I can attend the gym 5 times in a 7 day period.  I promised to try.  I looked back toward the door….then forward toward the locker room door.

AH HA!  It hit me.  I should at least ask the lifeguard exactly how cold are we talking here?  Good plan.  If it was only a little cold, I could suck it up.  If it was super cold, I would consider backing out.  Ok.  I took my shoes off and walked into the pool area and tapped the lifeguard on the shoulder. 

“So…..how cold is it?”

She was very obliging.  She said “Let me check for you right now so you’ll know what it is currently” and skipped off to get the thermometer.  This happened to be a very cool laser thingie or something about the size of the remote for your car that she pointed at the surface.  The verdict?  The pool that is normally the warmer of the two was 82.  Several degrees cooler than they normally keep it.  Then she checked the lap pool.

“Wait, this can’t be right, it says 86.6″

She tried it again.  Same result.  She pushed some buttons on her gadget and tried one more time.

“Oh, I guess this one is much warmer!  It’s 86.6.  The maintenance guy was supposed to top off the activity pool with hot water but I guess he did the lap pool instead.”

I grinned.  And enjoyed swimming my laps in warm water for once.  The lap pool there is  normally kept around 81. 

So, see?  Never hurts to ask.

I know, I know. Sorry.

I’ve been MIA.  The good news?  I’ve been busy.  Not too busy to blog.  The truth of the matter is that I spend several hours a day parked in this chair but I just have not been motivated, perhaps because I feel like I don’t have anything new to say.  My ticker, as you can see, is pretty lifeless.  Not updated.  That’s because I’m not back down to the top end of the range on that sucker, so I’m leaving it for now. 

In other news, I have decided to seek an alternative viewpoint.  I’m seeing a therapist.  I have 6 sessions with her and I have 2 under my belt so I am trying to see what I can get done in that time.  I know I have issues with emotional eating, and that’s why I am going but we talk about other things too.  For example, she gave me a handout type thing which I skimmed but one thing that stuck out to me was that I need to squash my automatic assumptions about things.  A good example of that is I got an email informing me of a job opening that involves chasing kids around.  Right away I trashed it, thinking that they aren’t looking for me, they are looking for skinny, perky college kids who are going to school to be gym teachers.  After giving this all some thought, I realized I was assuming that I am too fat (maybe I am!) and that was wrong.  If I wanted the job I should apply.  So, as part of my therapy, I untrashed the email, spiffed up my resume, composed a cover letter, and turned it all in.  Do I think I have a shot at it?  I don’t know.  But the point is not getting the job.  The point of this whole thing was getting up the guts to turn in my resume and stop telling myself I’m too *fill in the blank, usually “fat”*.  Getting the job would be a bonus, but I figure I already won because it did make me feel better. 

So there you go.  If you are fat, don’t automatically limit yourself.  If you want to coach your kid’s soccer team, DO IT.  The only thing holding you back is your OWN self limitations.  Did they list a weight limit on the coaching volunteer form?  No.  They didn’t.  So if you wanna get in there, go ahead!

My therapist and I have talked about my gym habits (or non gym habits) and we decided that I might set a goal for myself this week of going 5 times, so I am concentrating on just making it 5 times before next Tuesday.  Doing well so far but I have a funny story about that, which I will tell you tomorrow.  Don’t want to use up all my good ideas in one day.

Where have you BEEN, Fattykins?

Can you guess what this is?

Man it was good, let me tell you.  That, my friends, is a deep fried snickers bar.  I would soooo do that again. 

Last week was a little bit tough.  We had company many of the days, and we had our first kid-free weekend in 2 years so we went out to eat a lot.  Back to the grind today though.

Breakfast – 2 cheesey breadsticks leftover from pizza last night.  I estimate 400 calories which is probably a little high.

lunch – frozen entree, not sure what kind I have in the freezer, probably lean cuisine butternut squash ravioli

Dinner – um….no idea at the moment.

Snacks – I think I still have a sweet potato somewhere….string cheese is gone though.

There you go, folks!

You’re blown it by now, haven’t you?

Nope.  Yesterday’s intake ended up looking like this:

• turkey sandwich
• baby carrots
• string cheese
• peanuts (handful)
• orange juice
• 2 bowls chili

for a total of just over 1400.  Due to a run in with my asshat neighbor I didn’t make it to the gym, but that’s okay.

I gotta eat that damn sweet potato though.  Here’s today’s plan:

• Glass of OJ
• McDouble and small fries (having a day out with the kids)
• that damn sweet potato
• french toast for dinner

See you tomorrow!

And day 2, Fattykins?

The things I ate differed a bit from the list I made.  I substituted a handful of chips for the carrots, never ate the potato, and had about 2 cups of pasta instead of one (who eats one cup, seriously?).  Then in the evening I had a bit of ice cream with 2 crushed up trader joe’s cookies (think oreos).  I didn’t go to the gym because I got a damn good workout junk picking. 

Yes, I am a junk picker now.  I found a swingset on the curb down the street and dh and I carried it home.  It was HEAVY.  My arms are sore.  I also took a short bikeride with my 4 year old (again, read: dragged her on the tagalong) so I didn’t feel obligated.  Sue me.  Now my kids have a swingset.  Everyone wins.

Here is the list for today:

Lunch – turkey sandwich and carrots (really will eat them today)

Snacks – Sweet potato with butter, string cheese

Dinner – chili

Let me guess…you’ve noticed there was no breakfast in there and you’re getting ready to email me and tell me how bad I am.  Don’t.  Considering that my MAIN problem is mindless eating when I’m not hungry and I’m trying to break the habit, I’m not about to eat when I’m not hungry even if it IS breakfast time.  I waited all morning to get hungry and it never happened and now it’s noon so no breakfast. 

Anyway, this all works out to about 1100, so there’s plenty of wiggle room in there for another snack or ice cream or something after dinner.

Take care, all!

So, Fattykins, how did it go?

Great.

The mystery item turned out to be Trader Joe’s baked cheese crunchies.   I took a short bikeride with one of the kids (dragging her on the tag-a-long)  Afterward I went to the gym and did the elliptical for only 25.  To the best of my estimation, it all netted out to about 1277.  Whew.  One day down.

Today’s list looks similar to yesterday’s.  Breakfast was an english muffin w/butter.  Lunch is a turkey sandwich and carrots again.  Snacks are sweet potato with butter and string cheese.  Dinner is going to be bowtie pasta with spaghetti sauce.  This all comes out to about 986 calories.  Now, before you go hitting the comment button to tell me that isn’t enough – I know.  I am probably going to have more than a single serving of pasta at dinner and that should make up the difference.  I’ll let you know how it all comes out tomorrow.

The List for today

I know, I know, 2 posts in one day – SCANDAL!  I just thought I would share my planned intake for the day

Breakfast:

Malt-o-meal cinnamon toasters with milk (I don’t like to have cereal for breakfast bc it leaves me hungry later and is pretty void of actual nutrition but for today…)

Lunch:

Turkey Sandwich

baby carrots (I can’t eat just a sandwich, need something crunchy to go with it)

 

Snacks (to be eaten any time, either together or seperate)

String cheese

Sweet potato w/butter (yes BUTTER, I told you, I don’t eat that fake crap)

Dinner:

Bacon cheese burger – it’s a patty with bits of bacon and cheese mixed in and I estimate it at 500 calories including the bun which will be a sandwich thin

mystery side dish…not sure what?

This adds up to just over 1200 calories, not including the mystery side dish.  That should add about 200 or so depending on what it is – it just has to stay under 400 and I will hit my goal for the day.   I think this might work, people.   I KNOW it’s me that has to MAKE it work but my mind is liking this so far.  It’s 1:00 and I’m doing well.  If I can get past the mid day munchies an on to dinner this might be the thing.

Ok, new plan

I’m scrambling to get back on track because I know that once I get there, it’ll be okay.  I can make it work but I have to get back in the zone.  What happens is every day I wake up ready to roll.  I behave at breakfast.  I do okay at lunch.  Afternoon snack is where I start to roll off the wagon and by dinner I figure I’ve already ruined the day so I might as well make it official at dinner by sabatoging my efforts even more.  After that I might skip the gym and do something else disasterous instead like going out for ice cream.  That is a pretty accurate example of the way things are going.  It’s out. of. control.  I’m actually thinking of going into therapy.  I had a dream I had gastric bypass surgery.  This is bad.

I thought of another angle though, that might help me.  The way I’ve been going about this is kinda like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded (you’ll see what I mean in a minute).  Since I don’t have a daily eating plan, I give in to the afternoon munchies and gobble up whatever we have on hand whether that is chips, crackers, or peanut butter and jelly.  Today I’m trying something different.  I plugged in a meal plan for the day – all the foods I intend to eat.  I have everything there but a side dish for dinner and I have 400 calories to play with still, so if I think of something later I can throw that in, or leave it as is and it won’t hurt anything.  I have breakfast, lunch, 2 snacks, and a main dish for dinner.  If I just stick with that, that will be a good day 1.  Then I can do it again tomorrow.  And the next day…and hopefully this will be the key.

Look, I know it’s all about me.  I am the one chosing not to do this for some reason.  It’s my fault.  I am making the choices, etc.  I just feel really out of control though.  I’m feeling stressed about some outside things, which makes me eat, which stresses me out more, which makes me eat more, which stresses me out even more….you get the idea.  I know it seems like a simple thing to just not do it but tell that to a smoker or a drug addict – it’s not that easy.  But I miss my weigh ins.  I miss my ticker and seeing it go down, down, down.  I miss my graph going down.  I miss looking forward to wednesday.  I miss feeling good.  All I feel right now is bad.  Stress, frustration, self hatred.  Before all this there was stress, but also relief, energy, pride, and power.  This just sucks right now.

Thoughts

I’m not going to lie.  I haven’t made it happen yet.  I’m not so obtuse as to blame anyone or anything but myself, that’s what I say “I” haven’t made it happen yet.  I don’t know why, but I have been so wiped out all the time.  I have been sitting around all day doing nothing but feeling sleepy and obviously I haven’t been going to the gym.  I considered that this might be a mind over matter thing, that I might be able to get my matter to cooperate with enough urging from my mind, but in the end my mind was too tired as well.  Every morning I wake up and tell myself that today will be the day I get back to it – and every day I don’t.  I start out logging on TDP in the morning, but by the time the mid afternoon munchies hit, I’ve quit.

I’m positively sick at the thought of all the time I’ve wasted.  I could have lost 10 more lbs or so since my vacation was over - at the low end.  But no.  I’ve gained.  And now to make matters worse, my SIL is getting married in a year and I’d like to not look SO horrible in pictures. 

I know the answer is simple.  Just.  Stop.  Eating.  A close cousin to that one is Just.  Go.  Workout.  But things have gotten out of control.

Any suggestions?  What works for you when you’ve lost your spark?